• Colt Sebastian Taylor

Starkist, Entenmann's, Papa Johns, and Perhaps SEPTA are fools


A bold statement.

I know.

Why do I say these three companies and possibly one mass transit system are fools? Easy. In each distinct situation, each of these entities did not hire me. I mean, I would be the PERFECT choice for a mascot or fake CEO type person for any of these companies. Allow me to break it down, and as a note, these are not in any means any order.

Entenmann's- The folks at Bimbo Bakeries, (poor name choice, but it's a language thing) were looking for a Chief Donut Officer. In this contest, they were looking for people to run for this most honorific position. They would have a list of finalists, and then a public vote would take place to determine the final Chief Donut Officer. Here was my entry:

I didn't even make the cut. I took a look at their "Top Contenders." And there were certainly some worthy entries, and some were not so much. I honestly wasn't impressed with the majority of the videos. While the ultimate winner was fine, I feel like I could have given her a run for her money. I don't mind losing a contest, and I lose plenty of them. However, I was personally insulted that I didn't make their "cut" or get an honorable mention.

And to be completely honest, I have not bought any of their products since then and did not recommend them to anyone. Yes, I'm that bitter.

Papa Johns - I really can't get too upset about this one, but I'm going to call them morons despite that. So if you've been following the Pizza Franchise Trade Papers, as I do, you know the John of Papa Johns is in a bit of a rough patch. It turns out in 2018 you can't say whatever you want on conference calls if you are a significant figure. Needless to say, Papa Johns is looking for a new CEO. Do know anything about running a pizza franchise company? Nooooope. Would I make a good FAKE CEO of a massive pizza franchise company, YUP!

Here was my pitch:

And not a peep from these people. Can you believe it?

Starkist - I think this particular situation is the one I'm most bitter about. Mostly because I put the most effort into this one compared to the other two. So Starkist was looking for someone to join their Chicken Creation's Crew with Charlie the Tuna and Candace Cameron. So, I put together a video offering my services to join them. Check out my initial offer:

The crazy thing about this video is that Candace Cameron retweeted it and she did not retweet any other videos in this contest. Pretty soon word began to get out about my entry, and sure enough, a friend joined me. Cluck Sebastian Taylor. I decided to hold yet another press conference with Cluck and I make a final pitch as well:

Things seemed to be going well. A clip of me was featured in one of their highlight reels as videos they liked.

And wouldn't you know it, once again, I did not make the cut. The three videos they selected look very suspiciously like they were from professional filming companies. I mean, that's fine if they are taking bids, but if they didn't want videos from "The People," then they should have never opened up the contest to everyone in the first place.

I am particularly bitter towards Starkist because I do not feel like they appreciated a single effort I made to promote their brand. I feel very unappreciated, so much to the point where I need to take time out of my day and write about how much StarKist does not appreciate content creators like myself.

And much like the donut folks, I have little interest in patronizing a brand that doesn't recognize fine talent such as myself.

SEPTA - For those reading this in the Philadelphia area, you will be very familiar with SEPTA. Unfortunately for me, I rarely take their bus or train lines. The last train left the region I live July 1st, 1981. Northwest Montgomery County and Berks County are sorely underserved. You can't take any sort of Reading Railroad from Reading, PA to Philadelphia.

However, there is a study underway to restore service between Reading and Norristown. Which I'd be all for! It's being pushed by the Greater Reading Chamber Alliance. This is the sort of regional community development project a good organization like this should get behind. I'll be following this closely and hope they get some traction.

I digress.

SEPTA, inspired by the arrival of Gritty, is looking for a mascot. I think there would be no better person than me! Why? Well, I am an explorer by trade, so who better than me to explore SEPTA's system than me. I can explore all the ins and outs of the system, maybe explore spots people weren't aware they could visit. I'm also an adventurer, and I think anyone who has ridden SEPTA can agree that it can sometimes be an adventure.

So I would be a GREAT mascot for SEPTA. However, what they are offering for a prize really doesn't interest me. It's a rail pass and since the rail system doesn't serve out here, yet, I don't have much use for it. But... I'd be more than happy to come to some arrangement.

I mean if using my likeness seals the deal to restore rail service.... well, it would be my humble duty to serve the area.

So in conclusion:

Fools! The Fools! You Fools! Don't Be Fools!

Until next time!

#Starkist #entenmanns #PapaJohns #SEPTA

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